It’s been 3 weeks since the crisis began. But actually it’s been more than one month since I (actually) realized that God wanted to show me something. Something big.
And it is BIG.
Last night again I cried out to the Lord. In the last 3 weeks almost every week He has been bringing me to the end of my self, to the edge of my faith, to the end of my rope. Ya, I think for the last 3 weeks, I always got kind of “short” rope. To always drag me back to Him and cling to Him. More than before.
I’m amazed to realize that how hard, how harsh, how difficult the process I have to endure. The refining fire is just bit too hot this time. So, it must be for something real big in the future for me.
I still can not see the bigger picture. I’ve stopped to analyze anything. Stop trying to impart my own idea. What I can see now is God is at work. I’m trying to compile all the puzzles, and give them back to my God, let Him do it His way. I am learning to believe that when I give the puzzles to Him then every piece will fall in the right place. Ya, I am learning. I knew all the theories, what I am supposed to do, what the right things to do, I knew them all since long ago. But it seems, need this hard process for me to apply it, to live them out, not just as theories, but to experience it. And it is hard. Painful. Dead-end feeling.
When I look back, I understand, that on those rough roads and deep valleys, I can see God’s finger prints all over the places. In every corner, up and down. In every tear dropped. He was always there and will always be.
So, if He allows me to have this process, He must have something real BIG for me in the future. By the grace of God, not my own strength, I have chosen to be devoted, not discouraged to God. So, I know the time will soon come, when I come up as the winner…
About him…
It is not fair if I think this hard process is solely for me. I guess he is facing it too. He knows the Lord, he loves God and he even has been serving God longer than I do. He knows what he should do regarding this one. I think he is struggling to…I can not say sorry for him that he has to face this process. And I know he also can not feel the same way for me. It’s all already in His agenda since the very beginning.
Never imagine before that the process would be this hard. But, again, His thoughts are not my thoughts. His ways are not my ways. He has His own plan with His own timetable.
All I wish now, that the pieces start falling in the right place. So soon I can see the bigger picture. As for now, after 3 weeks, I haven’t seen the bigger picture yet. But I will. He will. We will…
September 10, 2010
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